Lost In A Labyrinth?

Near Hadrian's Wall - Durham to Iona Pilgrimage, April/May 2011

A 'first,' for me yesterday; I actually got lost in a labyrinth. What an odd feeling! I was caught totally by surprise; a labyrinth has only one path winding in and out from the centre, after all. What confused me, was, I think, the overall shape, which was more of a square, with some sharp angles and meditative prayer stations along the way; a great idea in theory, yes, but in practice this introduced not only the usual need to  step off the path to let other walkers go by, but also decisions as to whether to wait patiently at intervals behind somebody deep in prayer, (which to be honest, I felt might appear rather intrusive to the person concerned) step right round them (intrusive again) or, as I eventually did, walk right off the labyrinth. I'm not famed for my sense of direction at the best of times, and after a couple of these diversions, I found myself totally confused and lost.  Several kind helpers appeared to point me back in the right direction, but I decided to call it a day. 

Though they may not have realised, I was quite happy to step off the installation and sit quietly with my thoughts.  I've been musing a fair bit recently about self-esteem issues and my tendency to let set backs, like the one I had earlier in the week, send me hurtling down a spiral of hurt despair and unhealthy self-absorption; as if I'm in some ghastly, cosmic game of Snakes and Ladders.   From where I am it looks as if The Only Way is Down and the temptation, I find is often to let the  downward pull define  everything else I'm about; surely the blips and set-backs are only an indication of my (abysmal) lack of self-worth and abilities. It's that old Imposter Syndrome: If they really knew how useless I am ...blah de blah...I might as well give up.  The trick, I've found, is to know when to push against this; the old   not in desolation going back on a decision made in a time of consolation bit.  I'm finding this easier of late; though this last has involved a few days snivelling away at a bemused but sympathetic Mr GP and much raging at God during the wee small hours.  Stepping back  now, I'm starting to  see the set-back in context.  This is where the labyrinth comes in again, mirroring, as it so often does, those unexpected twists and turns of life when you think you're travelling further away from your destination, but in reality are still on the path. Old cynic that I am, I sometimes find the old hymn God Moves in A  Mysterious Way,  a wee bit too off pat for my liking, but I do (grudgingly) have to admit there's more than a grain of truth in it. 

So, for all kinds of reasons, some of which won't make it on to this blog, the event that I was involved with yesterday, which I could so easily have decided to back out off at the last minute, has done wonders to boost the Greenpatch self-confidence; I've squared up to and stared down the old Inner Critic (for now, at least) and am back on the pathway.

Now, Don't Get Big-Headed

Advice needed from you blogger types out there. As you can see, I've been on a creative buzz and experimented with making my own Greenpatch Header. Is it just me, or does my blog look big in this? I know that these last months I've experienced a growing awareness of an expansion in my interior being And All That, but this is ridiculous; not to mention embarrassing after last week's aspirations to humility.

'Ever so 'umble:' Aspirations to Humility

In other words, get your brain round another of my 'Recycled Greenpatches'.  I may have had a week during which my self-esteem has  been  sucked down the plughole together with fistfuls of post-menopausal hair but, thanks to Archdruid Eileen and her 10 Most Humble Christians on Social Media, I sense  a strange stirring; feel there is a ray of hope - a light at the end of the tunnel (or to be exact, down the bottom of the overflow system). There is a place for clumsy, inarticulate bumblers such as Yours Truly! I'm inspired...enthused...energised.... to put finger to keyboard and give all you wonderful people, the benefit of some of my own thoughts on the topic, inconsequential and insignificant though they be.... ("I am Not Worthy.") So, here you go - first blogged back in November 2007, the Greenpatch Guide to 'Inverse Self-Presentation:' Genie Wake Up', (complete with the best definition of humility that I've ever come across.)

and smell the humus!,'  bleats Robin Williams in the Disney epic, 'Aladdin.'  To which I'd add the warning, 'But don't trip over the doormat on the way out!.'  I can't recall  who or what had caught him out , though I've happy memories of our then four-year old son's virtuoso imitation of Mr William's performance (more little blue Smurf than giant genie!).   I just remember our gales of laughter as the  keeper of the lamp suddenly  swells up to thrice his size in righteous indignation,  as suddenly realises his mistake  and...oops!   As his  pomposity (and his ego) is punctured mid-stream, RW dwindles into an 'ever so 'umble' yet endearing puddle of gooey sheepishness. And don't we just  love him for it!

Well, yes... I remember referring to this 'Inverse Self-Presentation'in one of my earliest posts on this blog - quoting from Susan Pitchford's writings on 'Verbal anesthesia - or 'What's your mask?'  Humility, what is it? How do you know you possess it? And by definition, if you think you're displaying it, surely that then means that you can't possibly be as humble as you think you are. (I can hear Uriah Heep knocking at the door as I type!). Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! What a tangle we get ourselves into at times.

Any road on, if you feel inclined to follow the tangle further, do take yourself over here.  I've recently completed another of those  forms  where you reflect on how you're managing to follow the Franciscan way, hence  the topic is one which looms large in my thinking at the moment.  I'm sure we would love to make ourselves out to be possessed of such humble qualities that onlookers can spot the duraglit on our  invisible halos from several hundred yards.  Sadly, however, I fear that for  most of us:

Humility is what nips you in the ankle when you start dropping hints about the good things you've done that nobody's noticed yet.

(My thanks to 'Pimple' from Shipoffools for allowing me to use this quote!)

Home Grown Labyrinths - Let's have Another Go

My goodness. It does look like an ear, doesn't it!  After my attempts last week and a peek at agracingmaze and a letter from home's reflections on Trinitarian labyrinths, I've had another go. 

Autumn Leaves

So, that's it. Summer has gone AWOL, as have all the Greenpatch supplies of hot water bottles; I wore my quilted jacket for the first time this morning, and the opaque tights will be putting in an appearance any day now. 

I've  the perfect excuse to link to one of  my favourite songs, the Eva Cassidy version of Autumn Leaves. 

And if you want to really get into the autumnal liturgical vibe, pop over and have a peek at Archdruid Eileen's new hi - viz jacket.

Footsteps in The City - Urban Spirituality

Our daughter phoned earlier  this evening for a chat. I'd mentioned  walking the Fen Court Labyrinth earlier in the week as part of the Sacred Spirals course  and she'd sent me a link to this picture of it on Flickr. If you've not visited  before, London Centre for Spirituality and Fen Court are set in the heart of the City. Not the usual setting you (well, I anyway) usually associate with a meditative aid like a labyrinth; most of those I've visited have been in peaceful, rural places like  St Beunos in Wales.

Here, the contrast couldn't have been more marked. I struggled to even begin to explain  the experience;  musing  ongoing in any case. (I'm a slooowww thinker at the best of times). But what struck me  as we stepped out was how much this area reminds me of a visit to New York  5 years ago. Something about the feel?  The contrast between the sheer height..the immensity  of the buildings and the smallness of the people working and living in them?  ( Found myself looking upwards rather than outwards). A sense of 'edginess,' being crowded, of the need to maintain stricter boundaries round my personal 'space,' than I'm accustomed to in our small town? Most of all, awareness of a shadow, slight though no less real for all that, of the events in NY of that September morning in 2001. On that trip in 2007, we visited Ground Zero, boarded up at the time so really nothing much to  see, yet, not surprisingly, it was still a sobering experience.

Going back to last week, as I mentioned,  I'm still pondering the actual experience of walking my first city labyrinth, though I can sum it up as a strangely peaceful time. My first meeting with urban spirituality also (reflection in process); I've much to ponder, much to learn. Where I live is hardly out in the styx, yet I  feel very much like a little 'country mouse,' whenever I venture out of my comfort zones! In contrast to our daughter, who's lived in London for nearly seven years, now and is really energised by life in the Big City. I think she may have her own sense of 'awareness,' though I'm pretty sure she'd hesitated to call it 'spirituality,' urban, city, or otherwise. The animation above, 'Footsteps,' is one she and friends made as part of her college course. Do have a peep at this  'alternative,' look at London. Enjoy.

Franciscans at Greenbelt 2012 (the muddy one) - Walking on Water

Link to a great picture taken by one of the Franciscan team at Greenbelt.

(Scroll down to see the First Order Franciscans in action at Eden, the venue where I was stewarding).