Earworms and Latin Verbs

Late night playing about with words (as you do...):

Confidence - Definition

Noun

The feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust: "we had every confidence in the staff". The state of feeling certain about the truth of something.

Synonyms

trust - faith - reliance - belief - credit - credence

Confidere - to trust

et le voila - I Have Confidence!   or - put another way - Don't Panic! 

Light Of The World

'"...on the banks, on both sides of the river, there will grow all kinds of trees for food. Their leaves will not wither nor their fruit fail, but they will bear fresh fruit every month, because the water for them flows from the sanctuary. Their fruit will be for food and their leaves for healing.""

                                                                                              - Ezekiel 47: 12 (NRSV)

" It is this light [Christ] that is our goal; it is this direction that our gaze must be fixed, despite the dark patches that are cast along the way." (From my current Bible reading notes)

 Here we are at the end of my first week back since my time on retreat and holiday. It's been a bumpy week, with, as you can see from the picture -  dark patches in amongst the blue: a glorious blue that so much speaks of the strength and peace that I found from the time away. The greyish patches? Well, there've been several tragic incidents in the wider community here this last week, incidents which have shaken everybody to the core and will continue to have reverberations whether or not we're close to the people concerned.  There is no sense in it...no words....

Yet, it was a couple of on the surface of it innocuous  - even -  positive encounters the other day that, like, Avila, hit me like a bolt out of the blue,  pressed all my buttons and insecurities: the "You're no good," the "Just who do you think you are to even think you could...?" and worst of all, "You'll never do it..." (ok, I dredged up enough strength to squish this last one very firmly ), and sent me spinning and spiralling downwards into a mushy pile of tears, snot and self-pity. Threatening to sabotage all the wonderful self-confidence and change of focus gained from retreat and  a recent chat with my spiritual director. 

I'm coming out of it now; due in no small way to the patience of poor Mr GP, Avila, from A Weeble's Wonderings, whose bravery in sharing her very similar struggles was so uncannily well-timed, honest prayer ('Quiet Time' is not the best way to describe what the Almighty was offered!), and the passage from Ezekiel and its commentary, which taps back into the energy and sense of a far wider, grounded, more spacious self and place. That's where I know I belong, even if I  still feel slightly Beakerish! Hence the tree I added to the picture, rooted and fed by the water flowing from the sanctuary. "Their leaves will not wither nor their fruits fail..." 

"Meep!"

'Ever so 'umble:' Aspirations to Humility

In other words, get your brain round another of my 'Recycled Greenpatches'.  I may have had a week during which my self-esteem has  been  sucked down the plughole together with fistfuls of post-menopausal hair but, thanks to Archdruid Eileen and her 10 Most Humble Christians on Social Media, I sense  a strange stirring; feel there is a ray of hope - a light at the end of the tunnel (or to be exact, down the bottom of the overflow system). There is a place for clumsy, inarticulate bumblers such as Yours Truly! I'm inspired...enthused...energised.... to put finger to keyboard and give all you wonderful people, the benefit of some of my own thoughts on the topic, inconsequential and insignificant though they be.... ("I am Not Worthy.") So, here you go - first blogged back in November 2007, the Greenpatch Guide to 'Inverse Self-Presentation:' Genie Wake Up', (complete with the best definition of humility that I've ever come across.)

and smell the humus!,'  bleats Robin Williams in the Disney epic, 'Aladdin.'  To which I'd add the warning, 'But don't trip over the doormat on the way out!.'  I can't recall  who or what had caught him out , though I've happy memories of our then four-year old son's virtuoso imitation of Mr William's performance (more little blue Smurf than giant genie!).   I just remember our gales of laughter as the  keeper of the lamp suddenly  swells up to thrice his size in righteous indignation,  as suddenly realises his mistake  and...oops!   As his  pomposity (and his ego) is punctured mid-stream, RW dwindles into an 'ever so 'umble' yet endearing puddle of gooey sheepishness. And don't we just  love him for it!

Well, yes... I remember referring to this 'Inverse Self-Presentation'in one of my earliest posts on this blog - quoting from Susan Pitchford's writings on 'Verbal anesthesia - or 'What's your mask?'  Humility, what is it? How do you know you possess it? And by definition, if you think you're displaying it, surely that then means that you can't possibly be as humble as you think you are. (I can hear Uriah Heep knocking at the door as I type!). Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! What a tangle we get ourselves into at times.

Any road on, if you feel inclined to follow the tangle further, do take yourself over here.  I've recently completed another of those  forms  where you reflect on how you're managing to follow the Franciscan way, hence  the topic is one which looms large in my thinking at the moment.  I'm sure we would love to make ourselves out to be possessed of such humble qualities that onlookers can spot the duraglit on our  invisible halos from several hundred yards.  Sadly, however, I fear that for  most of us:

Humility is what nips you in the ankle when you start dropping hints about the good things you've done that nobody's noticed yet.

(My thanks to 'Pimple' from Shipoffools for allowing me to use this quote!)

Musick Hath Charms

So, after our little 'interruption,' yesterday, I'm back to what I'd intended to blog about: yes, my first singing session of the new term. My weekly 'work- out,' and banisher of the 'blues,' which I've waxed lyrical about on numerous occasions on my various blogs. Here are a couple of clips of the piece I'm learning: Should He Upbraid, words by Shakespeare, music by Henry Rowley Bishop. Neither of these are me, as you'll have guessed; but oh, to have a voice like theirs'! Well, maybe minus the hiss and crackle. The first singer, Frieda Hempel (1885-1955) probably sang from the same music  edition as the one I've borrowed; ancient, minus its covers and missing the last twenty pages or so. It reminds me so much of the scores I remember seeing at my grandmother, aunt and uncle's house as a child (the latter taught music and was also organist at a local church, and Grannie herself was a fairly accomplished pianist). She must have inherited much of her music from her parents (who owned a music shop). In my mind's eye I can picture the scene: aspidistras, waistcoats, handlebar moustaches and the whole family gathered round the piano of an evening. Wonderful.

My own efforts tend more towards the Sage The Owl and Parsley The Lion school of song. But I don't half have fun along the way!

Self-esteem: That old internal parrot

Dave Walker has done it again! Judging by the responses to his latest post You are not good enough, there are enough 'internal parrots,' critics, censors, (tick your metaphor of choice) around to fill an aviary. Sadly, many, too many, of us struggle with poor self-esteem.  Miracle of miracles, I'm in a good place at the moment; yet there've been times when  it only takes one or two negatives to knock me off my perch.

Is there any cure?  From my own personal experience, I'd say time,  prayer, yes, but combined with a listening, non-judgemental ear; somebody who'll welcome me into a safe space where I can indulge in an attack of verbal diarrhoea  tell my story without someone rushing to fix/firing scripture verses at me willy-nilly. Who'll meet me where I am, not where they think I 'should' be.  If you search carefully, there are people around who're trained to do just that; they're  known as spiritual directors or spiritual companions.  Three cheers for them, and that host of retreat leaders, clergy, counsellors, pastoral people, prayer partners, and friends. They're worth their weight in gold.

Oh, and  an extra three cheers for the commenter who said: Sometimes the only thing that can help when you are lost in your own life is the sight of someone else jumping up and down shouting “help! I’m lost!” So, so true.